The phone rings, and a programmer answers.

Programmer:
Hello?

Voice on the phone:
Hala Misa Hailon Da?

Programmer::
I beg your pardon?

Voice on the phone:
Hailon. Hailon Da?

Programmer:
I’m sorry, but you’re slurring, or we have a bad connection, or I can’t understand your accent. What did you say?

Voice on the phone:
I said, is Mr. Allen there?

Programmer:
No. I’m sorry, but there’s no Mr. Allen here.

Voice on the phone:
I think there is.

Programmer:
What?

Voice on the phone:
This is Kaiser Permanente and our records show this as Mr. Allen’s home number.

Programmer:
Really? How is Mr. Allen’s name spelled in your records?

The voice on the phone now spells Mr. Allen’s name with a series of letters that do start with an “A??? and end with an “n??? but which combined do not assemble into the name “Allen.??? Still it’s not as bad as the Department of Motor Vehicles where a clerk once looked at the programmer’s name and asked if he was “Dale Hambone.??? The programmer concedes to the inevitable.

Programmer:
Yes, I lied, I really am Mr. Allen.

Voice on the phone:
Good. How much to you weigh?

Programmer:
What? Um, around 180 pounds.

Voice on the phone:
So, you’ve gone up 40 pounds.

Programmer:
No, I’ve gone down 2 pounds. Who is this? And why are you calling me?

Voice on the phone:
This is the Hypertension Clinic and we’ve been referred to you by your doctor at the Geriatric Clinic.

Programmer:
No you haven’t.

Voice on the phone:
Yes we have.

Programmer:
I don’t have a doctor at the Geriatric Clinic. I am not a patient at the Geriatric Clinic. My mother is a patient at the Geriatric Clinic. Should we really be talking about her?

Voice on the phone:
No Mr. Allen, we are talking about you.

Programmer:
Really. What’s my first name?

Voice on the phone:
What?

Programmer:
What’s my first name, as it’s written in your records?

Voice on the phone:
Umm, Peterly? Your first name is Peter, Mr. Allen.

Programmer:
I see. Would you please spell my name to me, one letter at a time.

Voice on the phone:
P-E-R-L-E-Y

Programmer:
That’s not Peter. It’s not even Peterly. It’s Perley. That’s my mother’s name. I’m pretty sure that you don’t want to be talking to me.

Voice on the phone:
No… Mr. Allen… I want to talk to you… Mr. Allen.

Programmer:
Don’t your records have a box in them with “M??? for male and “F??? for female. What does that say?

LONG PAUSE

Voice on the phone:
Yes, so how much does your mother weigh?

Programmer:
She weighs 144 pounds.

Voice on the phone:
So, then she’s lost weight. That’s very serious. We instructed you that we wanted to increase or at least maintain her weight.

Programmer:
No, she’s gained weight.

Voice on the phone:
No, she’s lost 2.75 pounds.

Programmer:
I see. What did you write down when I told you her weight?

Voice on the phone:
137.25 pounds.

Programmer:
Yes. I see. That’s very interesting. But I didn’t tell you 137.25 pounds. I said 144 pounds. Which is 4 pounds higher than her weight the last time she was in the Geriatric Clinic.

LONG PAUSE

Voice on the phone:
Is she drinking the protein drink?

Programmer:
Yes, she has a can every morning when she first gets up, before breakfast.

Voice on the phone:
Oh, no, no, no. She mustn’t drink it before her meals. It will suppress her appetite unless she drinks it between meals. Only drink it between meals.

Programmer:
But by drinking it first thing in the morning it helps with her blood sugar, and prevents her from falling down, and if she drinks it first thing in the morning doesn’t that mean she’s drinking it between the meal that was dinner last night and the meal that is breakfast this morning?

LONG PAUSE

Voice on the phone:
Well, I think that this has been very productive, and I will use our computer system to mail her some dietary instructions that are specially tailored to her program of treatment.

When the dietary instructions arrive they consist of a yellow page whose first point is to “Always drink whole milk to help maintain body weight??? and a blue page whose first point is to “Always drink skim mile to help lower blood pressure.???