Act I
A programmer enters his local Wells Fargo branch. He has held an account here for almost 10 years. He thought that he knew all the employees, and he thought that the employees knew each other.
Bank Clerk #1:
Hello. Welcome to Wells Fargo. Can I help you.
Programmer:
Yes, I have some questions about my account. I’ve been dealing with one of the managers here, so he already knows all the ins and outs of my recurring problems with the account, but I don’t see him here. Do you know where your ‘Assistant, Assistant Manager is?’
Bank Clerk #1:
‘Assistant, Assistant Manager?’ We don’t have one of those. I don’t know what that means.
Programmer:
I’m sorry. I don’t know the exact title. Does your bank have a Manager?
Bank Clerk #1:
Yes…
Programmer:
Does your bank have an Assistant Manager?
Bank Clerk #1:
Yes…
Programmer:
And the Assistant Manager is the number two officer here? What’s the title of the number three officer at this branch?
Bank Clerk #1:
That’s the Associate Assistant Manager.
Programmer:
Good. What’s the name of the Associate Assistant Manager?
Bank Clerk #1:
It’s Raphael. Did you want to speak with Raphael?
Programmer:
No, wait, Raphael? I thought that the Associate Assistant Manager’s name was… Well, I can never pronounce it, but it’s sort of like Marian.
Bank Clerk #1:
Yes sir. I’ll be back with Raphael in just a minute.
Programmer:
No, wait…
Associate Assistant Manager:
Hello, my name is Raphael. We’ve never met before.
Programmer:
Yes, I know. We haven’t seen each other before. I guess you’re the new Associate Assistant Manager?
Associate Assistant Manager:
No sir. I’ve been the Associate Assistant Manager here for at least two months.
Programmer:
But before you? I used to deal with your predecessor, and it’s rather embarrassing, but I could never pronounce his name. It was sort of like Marian, but I know that wasn’t how it was pronounced.
Associate Assistant Manager:
Marian? I’ve never heard of that name. Not in all the time I’ve been working at this branch.
Programmer:
You mean you’ve never, ever heard that name before?
Associate Assistant Manager:
That’s right.
Programmer:
Not in either of the two months that you’ve actually been at this location?
Associate Assistant Manager:
Ahem… Tiffany, have you ever heard of a manager here named Marian?
Bank Clerk #1:
No sir. I haven’t met anyone at this branch whose name even starts with an M.
Programmer:
Tiffany, I’ve never seen you here before. How long have you worked at this branch?
Bank Clerk #1:
Umm, six weeks.
Programmer:
May I speak with the manager please.
Associate Assistant Manager:
I’m sorry, but it’s the Assistant Manager’s day off.
Programmer:
Then I’ll have to speak to the manager.
Manager:
Hello sir, I understand that you are not happy with your account?
Programmer:
No, the account is probably fine. I just want to speak with the Associate Assistant Manager who always handles my account, and not only is he not here, but no one appears to have ever heard of him. His name stars with an M, and I can’t pronounce it properly.
Manager:
Oh, you mean Mah-Rioun? Oh he doesn’t work here any more. After several years as the Associate Assistant Manager he was promoted and transferred to another branch. It’s one of those small, inside the super market branches, but now he’s an actual branch manager.
Programmer:
Thank you. So his name did start with an M, and he did used to work here, despite the fact that these other employees denied his existence.
Manager:
What other employees?
Programmer:
Well, everyone else seems to have disappeared. You don’t suppose that you could give me directions to this new branch so that I could talk with Mah-Rioun?
Act II
A Programmer enters a local Vons supermarket. He wanders around the front of the store, looking for the small ‘inside the market’ Wells Fargo branch that he has been told is there. He approaches a checker at one of the registers.
Programmer:
Excuse me. I understand there is a Wells Fargo branch here, inside the market.
Checker:
Yes.
Programmer:
Umm, thank you. Where is this bank? I can’t find it.
(gestures helplessly at the front of the store)
Checker:
It’s not here. It’s over there.
Programmer:
Next to the Produce Section?
Checker:
No, it’s in the Produce Section.
Programmer:
They put the bank in the middle of the Produce Section?
Checker:
Well, where else would they put it?
Programmer:
Umm, they could have put it in the middle of the meat department.
Checker:
What? The middle of the meat department? That’s crazy.
Programmer:
Yes, of course. What must I have been thinking. The Produce Department makes far more sense for a bank location. I don’t actually see it. Where is it exactly.
Checker:
Over by the wall. Behind the big banana display.
Programmer:
Yes, makes far more sense behind the cardboard banana than next to the inflatable pork chop sign.
CURTAIN