A programmer arrives at his Dentist. He usually schedules his appointments for late afternoon, but this time the only slot available was at noon. The Dentist is a gifted professional whose personal and business skills are a shambles. Once again this man’s staff is composed of entirely new employees. The tall willowy dental hygienist straps the programmer into his chair, puts on enough Haz-Mat gear to enable her to stroll through plutonium, and thrusts her hands into his mouth… down roughly elbow deep.
DENTAL HYGIENIST
Y’a know, you’re a pretty good-looking guy.
THE PROGRAMMER
Mrrrumph, Mrrrumph.
(Why thank you. How can you tell?)
DENTAL HYGIENIST
Boy, you can really produce saliva too. The girls in the office are all taking the Doctor out to lunch. Do you want to come with us? It’s a Sports Bar called The Arsenal.
THE PROGRAMMER
Mrrrumph, Mrrrumph.
(Why thank you. Is it named after Arsenal football club in England?)
DENTAL HYGIENIST
No, they have bombs and machine guns hanging from the ceiling.
CUT TO: INTERIOR, ARSENAL SPORTS BAR, DAY.
(There are in fact bombs & machine guns hanging from the ceiling)
ENTIRE DENTAL STAFF
It’s You!!!
RECEPTIONIST
So, what are you drinking?
DENTAL HYGIENIST
We’re all having Long Island Ice Tea
DENTIST
Not me of course. That wouldn’t be professional.
ENTIRE DENTAL STAFF
No, no. Of course not. Professionalism is the keynote of modern dentistry.
Time passes. Everyone is most of the way through their second drink. The dentist goes to the bathroom.
RECEPTIONIST
(Leaning over and looking up into the programmer’s confused eyes)
You know, my son really loves hockey. Would you autograph his hockey stick?
THE PROGRAMMER
But I don’t play hockey.
RECEPTIONIST
That’s OK. His favorite player is Wayne Gretsky.
THE PROGRAMMER
You want me to sign Wayne Gretsky’s name?
DENTAL HYGIENIST
Oh, stop fighting it. When a woman asks you to sign her hockey stick most men just say YES!
THE PROGRAMMER
You’re all a lot younger than I am. Is “Sign my hockey stick??? slang for something that has nothing to do with Canadian winter sports?
BOOKKEEPER
He shoots! He scores!
DENTAL HYGIENIST
Puck me! Puck ME!
An increased air of professionalism returns to the table with the Dentist.
THE PROGRAMMER
So, Umm, Is lunch always like this?
I mean all of you still have patients this afternoon.
DENTAL HYGIENIST
Oh, all the professionals always make their appointments in the morning. It’s only the ordinary people who make appointments for the afternoon.
The waitress stumbles into the room and drops two plates on the floor. She shrugs, throws her arms around the programmer and pinches him on the cheek.
WAITRESS
Honey, there’s no way I’m gonna make it to my dental appointment by 2:00.
I won’t be there until 2:30. Tell the girls they’ve got plenty of time.
Lunch breaks up. The programmer makes a note to change his normal appointment time from afternoon to morning.